Oftentimes, just because we’ve broken up with someone does not mean we are done with analyzing and reliving the union, particularly if it was never made clear to us exactly why it ended. We seem to be hard-wired to need to stay stuck in the mud of what could have been and why did it go away, for at least a little while, which is human and not all bad. But, to get on with our life we need to stop reliving and get some traction and get out of our stuck place.
The stuck place can be especially insidious, because looking back does not imply a realistic pair of lenses. We may view things as we hoped they were. The fantasy is ultimately not good, because it creates a picture of a perfect one, the one that got away. We have to remind ourselves that things end for a reason and there were thorns amidst the roses. With a strong dose of reality we can gain that traction and emerge from the stuck zone.
- Humans seem to be hard-wired to need to spend some time in the stuck zone, after a break-up.
- Unfortunately, in looking back we sometimes don rose-colored glasses, viewing our lost love as the big wonderful fish that got away, painting him, or her, better than reality.
- To really move on with our lives, we have to acknowledge that the split happened for a reason and forego believing in fantasies, acknowledging the rose had thorns.
“From deep sadness to painful remorse and anxiety about the future, our feelings are often magnified when we also dive into toxic fantasies about what happened, as opposed to the FACTS around why the relationship really ended the way it did.”